Exhale

I grew up in a house hold that doesn't often fight but often debate. Meaning I've always had to form opinions and back them up. Something I've always had to deal with being highly opinionated being overtly acrimonious towards people. Fact is that some people just don't deal with it, while others can take the heat and throw it right back. I'm very passionate about what I think and although I try my best to reconsider my views. But also the nature of my harsh punctuation is to drive my point! It's a bit of catch-22.

I know this takes a large amount of self-assurance which is not something I always have in spades.

Ok, now I'm just sorta dis-gruntled. I feel mis-understood even alienated. I know "stop acting your age Brodie!" But I can't help it. This is one reason I have friends, all of whom I haven't really heard from 1/2 as much as I'd like to. Is this the way life is gonna be? Keeping my friendships on life support with Livejournal, IMs, phone messages, evenings of drinking and brief encounters of caffeinated kind?

Cause if it is, than life fucking sucks! I understand that going to school and working my life away might eventually pay off if the economy doesn't continue to suck. I've worked really hard to integrate my sexuality into my life and to become the kind of human being that I really wasn't all of three years ago. And for the most part I've been successful. I really have no skeletons in my closet anymore, which is great but still my quality of life seems poor. Are my expectations too high? I think I'm going to outline the areas of life that I think are lacking.

Intellectualism

School is a bore, I knew that coming into the game. The work load is high, the concepts are simple. This leaves Brodie under-stimulated. A recent developement in my life has been the ability to admit that I'm pretty fucking smart. I know to you in LJ land it sounds like something I'm always trying to drive home. It's because I've always actually lived in the shadows of others in my life. All my friends and my brother were labeled "intellectually gifted" in highschool. I was always just under the mark which left me very unsatisfied with school in general. Frustration with education has been a theme almost my whole life.

So now I realize I'm smart but also pretty freakin' lazy. I'm beginning to tackle the lazy part with regimented studying but the intellectual fulfillment is lacking. I need to join a chess club or something. Newelement used to provide a lot of release in this department but frankly the organization hasn't been doing much since 2000. Maybe I should start programming seriously again? I dunno, I don't have the time but I do have the ambition.

Love

All my friends have girlfriends now. Not that I'm bending to peer pressure but WHEN THE FUCK DO I GET TO HAVE MY MOTHERFUCKING GOOFY YOUNG ROMANCES EH?!

Seriously, I have no intentions of being a 36-year-old 20-something. That's why I came out when I did, that's why I continue to live a life as unhindered of developmental hurdles as possible. Not to make a "you know what I hate about gay men?" statement but really I plan on continuing to grow up my whole life. The most common comment I get from many older gay men is "Oh, you're so grown up! I wish when I was your age..". Thing is I'm not. I know a lot of people my age and I'm by no means out standing, infact I think I'm a little immature. This paragraph has been a tangent.

So I'd really like to meet somebody I have chemistry with. I feel I just come to begin to understand the whole concept chemistry and compatibility.

Money

I won't even go into detail but needless to say that covered Willie's debts has put a strain on the budget in La Casa Noble-Chree to say the least. I did some serious job hunting a few weeks ago in my neighbourhood, to no avail. I'm probably gonna try downtown as I can transfer there after/before school.

It's a real drag being so dependant on public transit. But like hell I can afford a car. Like hell Mommy or Daddy would even provide me with one if they had the cash, that's not their style. Oh look, another tangent. I'm good at those.

Friends

Ok, I already mentioned this but while I'm here writing headings and distilling ideas I might as well.. write a heading a distill the idea? OK. As mentioned before my friendships are on life support. I haven't spent a good day with any of my friends in a long time. Maybe it's just my preception. This isn't a call to anyone for a pity visit either.

Also, what I think is rather telling is all the AWESOME FRIENDS I made on LJ who I never hear from anymore. Actually, I'm pretty sure I exaggerated a lot of "friendships" I'd made which Iguess is innocent and naive enough on principal? Here's hoping.

Sex

We're doin' A-O-K in this dept. What does that mean? Absolutely nothing.

Conclusion

My quality of life is pretty low right now. I'm always working towards improving it but UGH have things ever slipped lately. It's mostly related to not having any money. Infact for the first time in my life I'm in debt! I owe Martin $20 and my account is over-drafted $10 due to service charges. But that's just a humorous aside. I think what insight it's provided me is just how much of a wealth oriented society we live in. Seriously, life has a whole different feeling when you have to worry about where the $4 today is gonna come from to get you to and from school.

I mean, the long term is bright but damn fuck this immediate bullshit. It's a drag to be sure.