Exhale

[nfotxn]

I grew up in a house hold that doesn't often fight but often debate. Meaning I've always had to form opinions and back them up. Something I've always had to deal with being highly opinionated being overtly acrimonious towards people. Fact is that some people just don't deal with it, while others can take the heat and throw it right back. I'm very passionate about what I think and although I try my best to reconsider my views. But also the nature of my harsh punctuation is to drive my point! It's a bit of catch-22.

I know this takes a large amount of self-assurance which is not something I always have in spades.

Ok, now I'm just sorta dis-gruntled. I feel mis-understood even alienated. I know "stop acting your age Brodie!" But I can't help it. This is one reason I have friends, all of whom I haven't really heard from 1/2 as much as I'd like to. Is this the way life is gonna be? Keeping my friendships on life support with Livejournal, IMs, phone messages, evenings of drinking and brief encounters of caffeinated kind?

Cause if it is, than life fucking sucks! I understand that going to school and working my life away might eventually pay off if the economy doesn't continue to suck. I've worked really hard to integrate my sexuality into my life and to become the kind of human being that I really wasn't all of three years ago. And for the most part I've been successful. I really have no skeletons in my closet anymore, which is great but still my quality of life seems poor. Are my expectations too high? I think I'm going to outline the areas of life that I think are lacking.

Intellectualism

School is a bore, I knew that coming into the game. The work load is high, the concepts are simple. This leaves Brodie under-stimulated. A recent developement in my life has been the ability to admit that I'm pretty fucking smart. I know to you in LJ land it sounds like something I'm always trying to drive home. It's because I've always actually lived in the shadows of others in my life. All my friends and my brother were labeled "intellectually gifted" in highschool. I was always just under the mark which left me very unsatisfied with school in general. Frustration with education has been a theme almost my whole life.

So now I realize I'm smart but also pretty freakin' lazy. I'm beginning to tackle the lazy part with regimented studying but the intellectual fulfillment is lacking. I need to join a chess club or something. Newelement used to provide a lot of release in this department but frankly the organization hasn't been doing much since 2000. Maybe I should start programming seriously again? I dunno, I don't have the time but I do have the ambition.

Love

All my friends have girlfriends now. Not that I'm bending to peer pressure but WHEN THE FUCK DO I GET TO HAVE MY MOTHERFUCKING GOOFY YOUNG ROMANCES EH?!

Seriously, I have no intentions of being a 36-year-old 20-something. That's why I came out when I did, that's why I continue to live a life as unhindered of developmental hurdles as possible. Not to make a "you know what I hate about gay men?" statement but really I plan on continuing to grow up my whole life. The most common comment I get from many older gay men is "Oh, you're so grown up! I wish when I was your age..". Thing is I'm not. I know a lot of people my age and I'm by no means out standing, infact I think I'm a little immature. This paragraph has been a tangent.

So I'd really like to meet somebody I have chemistry with. I feel I just come to begin to understand the whole concept chemistry and compatibility.

Money

I won't even go into detail but needless to say that covered Willie's debts has put a strain on the budget in La Casa Noble-Chree to say the least. I did some serious job hunting a few weeks ago in my neighbourhood, to no avail. I'm probably gonna try downtown as I can transfer there after/before school.

It's a real drag being so dependant on public transit. But like hell I can afford a car. Like hell Mommy or Daddy would even provide me with one if they had the cash, that's not their style. Oh look, another tangent. I'm good at those.

Friends

Ok, I already mentioned this but while I'm here writing headings and distilling ideas I might as well.. write a heading a distill the idea? OK. As mentioned before my friendships are on life support. I haven't spent a good day with any of my friends in a long time. Maybe it's just my preception. This isn't a call to anyone for a pity visit either.

Also, what I think is rather telling is all the AWESOME FRIENDS I made on LJ who I never hear from anymore. Actually, I'm pretty sure I exaggerated a lot of "friendships" I'd made which Iguess is innocent and naive enough on principal? Here's hoping.

Sex

We're doin' A-O-K in this dept. What does that mean? Absolutely nothing.

Conclusion

My quality of life is pretty low right now. I'm always working towards improving it but UGH have things ever slipped lately. It's mostly related to not having any money. Infact for the first time in my life I'm in debt! I owe Martin $20 and my account is over-drafted $10 due to service charges. But that's just a humorous aside. I think what insight it's provided me is just how much of a wealth oriented society we live in. Seriously, life has a whole different feeling when you have to worry about where the $4 today is gonna come from to get you to and from school.

I mean, the long term is bright but damn fuck this immediate bullshit. It's a drag to be sure.

Comments

In breif....

[funkybearmartin.livejournal.com]

I think gay men inherently are ahead emotionally in some respects, and behind in others. I always "acted older"... then something happened around 28-now... I'm regressing and love it.

Re: In breif....

[nfotxn.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I guess I can relate. I mean it's not cut and dry like that I don't think. You can have your maturity and cut loose too.

I just don't wanna be sticking chemicals up my nose and referring to people as having "had" them.

[teljanin.livejournal.com]

High school was pretty boring. I got through by having good friends and debating. Being a vice president of debate team got me two A's each semester which allowed me to do utterly nothing in my other classes. *****DOOOOORK*****

College is a bit better. It sucked at first because I was unmotivated and treated it like high school in regards to work, but it wasn't boring. You just need to finish up high school and go into something interesting in college. I think the interesting part has definately turned my horrible studying habits around. Even in the classes that I HAVE to take for general ed I find myself getting into them more and just doing really well.

You could try to get an overnight job? You're up late, right? I am doing this night audit thing for a small european style boutique hotel (supposedly modern, but I have my doubts) and it's pretty awsome. We only have 33 rooms and our audit takes all five minutes. The longest part of my nine hours here is doing the breakfest which takes a half hour. I have to run to dunkin donuts and finagle bagel..there's breakfest....and we have fruit laying out... Mostly though I love this job because we have wireless interenet and I just got a new laptop. We have dsl in the lobby, satellite, surround sound. It's all about Plaid, bjork, stereolab, tortise, and portishead being on shuffle. Meanwhile, I get to do a bunch of homework. .... granted some evenings I ignore the fruit and homework and eat pizza and watch cartoons or dvd's. hmph. So...after all that...I go to classes in the morning. It's not half bad...

Your friends will always be there...those one nights don't seem too fuffilling, but if you're busy with school then you have a great excuse. It's even harder when you're ina relationship! The past 3 weeks have been really tough. I see Gary nightly, because I live with him, but we have almost completey seperate lives.

so, I know that was kind of my life, but I think you can gain something from it. You've waited this long to go back to school, now you just have to ride the boring/frustrating parts and come out ready for something different.

Derick

[sohipithurts.livejournal.com]

To quote a cliche - "This is only a bump in the road. Make sure the tires on your car are filled properly." :) The immediate future may look like a drag, but it's how your approach it that determines how your long term plan develops. You're thinking a lot of the same things half of the population goes through. You've got the same damn habit I have - "Lemme think. Where do I go? What do I want? How do I get there? Where is my beautiful wife? Where is my large automobile?" (See my Talking Heads post from a few weeks ago.) *LOL* You're on the path. Enjoy the walk. Carry an umbrella and some nifty shades.

[haenck.livejournal.com]

Snicker if you must, but the best job I had while I was in school- was that of janitor.

After the first week it became clear that I was responsible and then was given carte blanche. I never saw my supervisor again and was told I could work whenever I wanted. If I wanted to come it at 5 I could. If I wanted to come in at 3 a.m. I could. As long as it got done.

The work was drugery- but the flexibility was awesome.

[plaidninja.livejournal.com]

I think you know that your freinds care a lot about you. If I had my way you wouldn't live in a different city, but that's the breaks. I dislike not having you arround as much as you used to be as well. On the other hand I much prefer a scenario where you visit Toronto less and don't flunk out of school. I'll see what I can do about herding people out to Hamilton more often, but don't be frontin like your freinds don't care cause we're mad crazy about ya.

ditto on what greg said!

[stingray1975.livejournal.com]

i'll try my best to keep in touch if you promise to do the same... ;oP once i'm back in school, we can even do inter-city study dates!!!

[jongrizzman.livejournal.com]

oh don't i know about the immediate bullshit. eck. you'll get through it. just try your best to steer straight down the road to your diploma. as long as you spend most of your time on the road, don't sweat the occasional lapse to the side. it's going to happen, you're a human being after all.

i hate metaphors.

greg and i have "mad love" for you, but i agree that i'd prefer to see you living in TO with that piece of paper in your hand and a future, not scrubbing dishes for 7 bucks an hour and wasting away.

keep the faith, brother. i'm here for you. so are your friends. know that and get on with "the show". (ugh, metaphors).

*HUGZ*

feelz ya

[oni1111.livejournal.com]

i'm in the same situation.. school is boring except for my Philosophy and Anthropology class...

btw: avoid chess... i played chess for a very long time... i was no prodigy but i realized very quickly that Chess is so ridculously finite, it's not worth your time.. if you don't believe me, the next time you are at a bookstore, take a look at ECO, BCO, or MCO (encylopedia of chess openings, Bastford's chess openings, Modern Chess openings) and marvel at the games that have already been played.. feh...

if you want a game that will really challenge you, try Go... go is fucking dope...