nfotxn | Aug. 25th, 2003

It's one of those evenings full of strife as to my tragic singleness. I haven't dated anyone in nearly two years now. Not a single date. No coffee, no beer, no dinner, movie, county fair or amusement parks.

Nothin'!

What's worse is that I feel really shitty about this no because I want a relationship. I mean meeting The Man of My Dreams would be great, sure. But so would a million bucks or Zeus' cock. It just ain't likely in the cards any time soon.

What sucks is that it's all peer pressure. Self-inflicted yes but peer pressure none-the-less. With the exception of one person all my close friends are in relationships! And no matter how noble your intentions are when you're getting the affection and support that you need from a partner it changes things with your closer friends. There's a sly primordial jealousy likely generated somewhere near my reptilian brain despite my best efforts otherwise. It bubbles up into my conscious brain.

"I don't want to be different! I want be the same and work towards the goal of some consonant and unending state of matrimonial† bliss! We'll pick out flatware and make plans to build equity with a home or similar investment.. together!"

I know, that's totally retarded. Idealistic, biased and simplified. But the fundamental ideas are becoming an ever-growing part of who I am and denying them would be stiffling.

Or maybe I just need to get laid for a change? This isn't a desire I'm prepared to live with.

† government endorsed or otherwise