Laundry list of insecurity

[nfotxn]

You ever got accused that "your friends only put up with you because they want to fuck you"?

I have, and it upsets me a lot. So now my official response is "My friends understand fully that sex with me isn't worth that kinda effort".

Next item.

I'll be the first to admit that outside of those hot make-out momments I'm no technical prodigy in bed and worst of all I feel like I'm performing a lot of the time trying to live up to some porn star ideal that I'm just so obviously not. I equate the feeling to being somewhat akin to performing a concerto that you've never seen before. About 15 minutes of pure terror. I have to be connected to somebody to really enjoy myself, I tried to deny that and cover it up with booze. Doens't work.

As much as I love lots of sex with lots of people I always seem to be at odds with the scene where I get it. Why do I want that confusion in my life? I don't. Not that I'm making any resolutions here, realization really. Could I be a one man, man? Probably, I'm sure I have or can develop the maturity to love one personal above all others despite my throbbing carnal desires. Tricks are fun, they're a real thrill usually but when I open myself up I find that I really like what I get. And I want more, and with tricks you can't really do that. Why do we do this to ourselves?

ps. Sorry I updated this post so many times, I got on a roll. Hopefully all your comments will still have context.

Comments

[notofthisworld.livejournal.com]

Woah! Is that aimed at me? 'Cause that's not quite what I said.

I'll talk to you when I can.

[haenck.livejournal.com]

This entry makes me want to digress into a treatise on the nature of gay friendships. But I am already extremely cranky, and going on about this will only result is blood shooting out of my ears. So, I am just going back to whatever it was I was doing at work.

Ah, yes! That's it. *Grinds teeth*.

[dizzi-d.livejournal.com]

I wish that I had had an answer ready when this was put to me.

[hylandr.livejournal.com]

Yeah, sometimes I wonder if sex is all it's cracked up to be. (I could spend an hour expounding on your "acting" thories and my agreements/similar experiences, but I won't.) Yes, some people just want in your pants. (I've lost "friends" because I wouldn't let that happen.) I've talked to you on IRC and read your journal and I think you're a decent person so I'm betting they see more than just sex too. *hug*

[haenck.livejournal.com]

Look at anyone's friends list... Bears generally have lists full of other bears. It's probably not because of the recipes or fashion tips.

[nfotxn.livejournal.com]

Yup, look at mine. With a few exceptions it's a glaring beacon of digital lust. Not that I don't appreciate people, it's helped me to feel very accepted but I have to ask myself "What the fuck am I doing?!"

Re:

[haenck.livejournal.com]

I guess it is a matter of degree.

[nfotxn.livejournal.com]

Truth.

Re:

[haenck.livejournal.com]

It's trend, not a physical law.

Though any statistician will tell you, "Beware self-reported data..."

Re:

[haenck.livejournal.com]

You've *never* been ashamed/relucatant to admit an interest in someone?

I know I have...

[haenck.livejournal.com]

Well, I am always a little ashamed when someone that I find attractive, finds themselves even more attractive than I find them.

It happens.

[punkcub.livejournal.com]

...no comment... *KIDDING* :) *hugs* Brodie, you're very cute but there's more to you than attractiveness (not to mention I prefer older men and you're a bit young for my taste... LOL). I like you because you have extremely good taste in music and you're very insightful. Not to mention your LiveJournal often has very comment-worthy entries in it, such as this one. I'm pretty ugly so I think I'd actually be flattered as opposed to upset if someone said that to me... nah, actually I'd feel suddenly much sexier for a moment but then I'd be upset. I dunno. Hmm...

Well, anyway, that's what I have to say about this.

Brodie Chree--much more than just another cutie.

[punkcub.livejournal.com]

By the way, what's that expression on your latest LJ pic all about, dude? LOL

[nfotxn.livejournal.com]

There are many explainations. See thread.

Mostly it's 'cause i'm a big goof though.

Re:

[punkcub.livejournal.com]

...! I just saw the full-size version... ever see something you thought was really cute and scary at the same time? I'm hiding under my blankie now... *sucks thumb*

*hug* I know you're a goof. I'm a goober. Hey, we're both g-words! We oldschool mothafuckin' G's. ;)

[nfotxn.livejournal.com]

Aww, thanks Eric. I'm glad you appreciate the more intellectual things I do, like most people I grew up feeling pretty fugly so I make up for it in other ways ;)

*hugs*

[nfotxn.livejournal.com]

ps, I think your new user pics are pretty cute. You're growing up right before our eyes *whipes away single tear*

[cub4bear.livejournal.com]

Your problem is that you think with your dick. That, coupled with your desire to like and be liked by everyone, gets you in trouble. You have sex with people out of pity or obligatoin, or whatever, then when you are sated and look back on what you've done, if you're not happy with it, you don't know how to deal with it and rationalize away (e.g., "it was his personality"). I've seen you do this plenty of times before. (Other people do this too; it's not just you... but since you brought it up.)

If you don't like tricking, just masturbate. Don't let your need for sex make you do things you don't like. It's that simple.

[dancubca.livejournal.com]

*cough* hehehe

[nfotxn.livejournal.com]

Thank you for that symbolic gesture. I know.

[fyve.livejournal.com]

always full of insightful comments that dan is.

you have the right to change your mind anytime you want. everyone goes through phases in their life, yours is no different. and dammit, you're 20 years old in case you have forgotten ;]

don't beat yourself up. thinking is good, but analyzing your actions too closely is self destructive. you'll end up losing sight of the bigger picture.

eat, drink and be merry *cling*