nfotxn | Recent history in retrospect

I've been reading my journal tonight. I've noticed that the height of my preceived "popularity" I was making a complete fool of myself and being highly demonstrative of my lack of self respect for my body and myself in general.

Christ I'm glad that's over.

Also I remember defending a friend when he did something wrong and offensive to some people. At that point I saw a pre-existing structure loyalties rear itself and saw a lot of "new LJ friends" receed themselves from contact with me. I'm now better friends than ever with that person. We've both grown a lot as people in the past year. Although we're both young and that's to be expected. I'm sure he's glad he has friends who stick to their guns even when under peer pressure. It was a hard lesson to learn but I'm glad I did it.

This taught me to beware of the all-encapsulating nature of sub-cultures. It's my honest opinion that homosexuallty orientated sub-cultures are disasterous for young men. When you're young and hornly like thirsty it's so easy to get transfixed on it at the expense of the rest of your life. Glad I leanred that without too much emotional abuse, thank god for the safety blanket called the internet.

Important personal observation: above all else I'm an individual, then next in this particular line of logic I'm fag. Being a "bear" is supplimentary and highly tangential to priority uno: individuality. This conclusion was suprising harder to make then I thought it should be.

Carrying on.

Then I fell in love with man from far away. This time for real. I tried to make it work, but realistically it wasn't going to happen. I had some amazing experiences with him but the things we both wanted we couldn't make happen. I had to learn to let somebody go despite my deepest desire otherwise. I had to learn to be realistic but emotionally responsible.

That was the hardest thing to learn. Ever. And I know I haven't been the same since.

I know this sounds cliché and trite for me to say, but so much has changed in the last two years. Totally for the better though. It's been my honest opinion for a while that I was highly immature for my age when I left school. I don't know what the instigation was other than unendurable guilt from emotional distance but it seems that on September 4th 2000 I began a bit of an odyssey. Not the most noble of journies as it mostly centred around personal sexuality but an important one none the less. And as of late it feels very much as if it's come to an end.

At least, this particular chapter. I'm living the next as you read this. A little older, a lot wiser and much happier.