A Collection of Slow Seconds

[nfotxn]

So I went out tonight. Called Brendan at work but he gave me the brush off because I had no specific plans. After renting some movies I out to the The Werx and met somebody I'd chatted with on gay.com. He turned out to be a complete candry raver (how passé!) totally rolling off his face.

Very charming.

This of course, and perhaps due to world circumstance, makes me notice that everyone is seeking escapism. Drugs, sex, addiction or otherwise it seems to me that we're all doing something to fuck ourselves up. I guess the real trick comes in moderating how much or often we medicate ourselves and slip out of reality. If there's anything I feel strongly (feel strongly, moi?!) about is that I want to expunge with my stress in effective and less harmful ways.

Despite hitting the town I've been feeling very nesty lately. I just want to cook for people and sit and chat seriously about the world around us. More than anything I feel the need for meaningful social contact Although gyrating across the dancefloor and bar cruising is fun it's just not what I need right now. All my straight friends just want to get trashed or play Dungeons&Dragons and video games. I wanna bake cakes and drink tea. WTF is wrong with me?

Ok, littlle micro-rant. Why can't I have rich parents? No really, I see all these guys my age and younger zipping around in fancy new wheels while I can barely afford a bus pass and worry about paying for my university education. Ok, so green isn't my colour but I certainly do assauge my feelings of jealousy by reminding myself that they'll all be in loveless relationships with fat wives and their own kids cruising around in their parents cars for places to smoke some dope or start their own illegitimate family.

But I digress...

I was lucky and got an early appointment with Dr. Chong, the doctor who's a specialist in dealing with musician's injuries. I'm hoping I can re-kindle my love for the viola and do something with it again. I am feeling really good though with my current medication other than being without as much libido. That's right boys, I'm outta the game and on the bench for a little while. Although I still have a pulse, I'm just not jerking off 3+ times a day.

Another thing I don't often address on Livejournal is insecurities. I know my willingness to divulge personal details can be a bit alarming. On a certain level I'm very conscious of how I come off but in the end I really don't see my honesty as having any sort of detrimental effect to my preceived character. I wish I could talk about all the fabulous vacations I'm going on, what fantastic products I've bought recently or just how deeply in love I am. But I'm too fucking poor and stressed out, all I've got are my feelings, experiences and a whole lotta school.

Ok, before I get off on too negative a course I'll cut things short. Good morning everyone, have a great weekend.

Comments

[tommybear.livejournal.com]

Okay, now that I am done writing this comment, let me go ahead and apologize first for it being so long.

I know my willingness to divulge personal details can be a bit alarming.

Alarming? Rather I find it one of the reasons I am drawn to your journal. I've become (for lack of a better word) quite a fan recently of your posts, as they are always eloquent, often emotional, and frequently entertaining.

But I'm too fucking poor and stressed out, all I've got are my feelings, experiences and a whole lotta school.

Not long ago, my husband and I sold everything we owned so we could travel and backpack, and the resulting experience as well as the return to the States and the frequent poor-ness that followed quite clearly showed me that feelings are all we have. We oft own things outside of basic necessities to take the mind away from feelings, or to shift feelings toward something we can control. The simple life of owning little and/or being poor is a beautiful thing often taken for granted, because it gives us back those feelings, to have them instead of things.

Despite hitting the town I've been feeling very nesty lately. I just want to cook for people and sit and chat seriously about the world around us. More than anything I feel the need for meaningful social contact Although gyrating across the dancefloor and bar cruising is fun it's just not what I need right now. All my straight friends just want to get trashed or play Dungeons&Dragons and video games. I wanna bake cakes and drink tea. WTF is wrong with me?

Absolutely nothing is wrong with you. I too have been out and about dancing and such recently though it isn't what I have wanted to be doing. Previously, before the move to polyamory in our relationship, my husband and I spent all of our time nested, enjoying that meaningful level of contact with each other. Since the move towards polyamory, I have had copious amounts of free time while he is with his lover, and I have tried to fill that by dancing, going out, drinking, smoking pot, etc. Not things I typically enjoy doing anymore, having done all that once before, but its filling the time while providing a modicum of enjoyment. I am slowly but surely branching out towards people who are healthy and can provide that meaningful level of contact, but it takes time for the shy wounded bear who has spent too long only having one person who fully understood him.

I could keep writing, for pages I'm sure. I relate to you in these sensations, and I definently feel that your experience with medication for depression may influence my decisions when I return to therapy soon.

Heh, thanks for listening...

--T

[folkyboy.livejournal.com]

drugs are so gross. they're up there with cigarettes. i can't stand that shit. if one is going to get an addiction, go "coca-cola". hee hee ;)

*secretly wishes i could have gone to the club, too*

[backrubbear.livejournal.com]

[...] I really don't see my honesty as having any sort of detrimental effect to my preceived [sic] character. I wish I could talk about all the fabulous vacations I'm going on, what fantastic products I've bought recently or just how deeply in love I am. But I'm too fucking poor and stressed out, all I've got are my feelings, experiences and a whole lotta school.

Hold on to those feelings. You are in your most honest years where the thin veneer of being employed and full-on materialistic haven't had their chance to put their claws into your soul. Being poor definitely can be a problem, it leaves you often feeling that there are experiences you could have if only you weren't poor. It means you might make do with macaroni and cheese for dinner instead of going out with a bunch of people.

But this is likely just a transitory phase. You wont stay like this forever. Given the fact that you're obviously intelligent and deeply know yourself, you probably will find yourself successful in what you choose to pursue in the future. After that, the trick will be to hold onto that knowledge of yourself.

Having stuff or money to do things do make some things easier. But take the lessons you are learning now and hold tight to them. They'll come in handy later.

[nfotxn.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much for the encouragement, honestly. I just really hope I get to that point in life, I know it's very possible. It's just that I'm doubtful I suppose. Predictable behavior I'm sure.

[backrubbear.livejournal.com]

It'll happen. Even if it doesn't happen, still keep that perspective.

"Things" are nice. But they're only things.

I've been out of town for nigh unto two weeks at this point. What do I miss? I don't miss my house. I don't miss my stuff. I miss my friends and I'm looking forward to seeing them in a few days.

Life is an experience. Experience is best when it is shared. Or, to quote Spider Robison:

"Shared pain is lessened. Shared joy is increased. Thus, we refute entropy."

[etherlad.livejournal.com]

Dude.

Call me sometime.

I don't have a computer to play D&D on (not that I have any D&D games on there in the first place), and I don't get wasted.

I should be free Wednesday afternoon after I donate me some .

[nfotxn.livejournal.com]

Coca-cola?

Let's hang out Wednesday! I'm totally in your neck of the woods after I go to the Y for a workout. I'll call ya and if I don't call me :) I mean (:

Re:

[etherlad.livejournal.com]

No, blood. The vampires are in town again. Last year I brushed them off because I had just gotten a tattoo, and you can't donate up to a year after you get one. So they tracked me down at my new number and commanded I arrive with some lifejuice.

Lookin' forward to your call. :)

RE: Your little rant

[zer0ith.livejournal.com]

i know this may seem slightly out of context. You may slap me if it is. But i hope you dont resent me for the things that i have and the life that i live. That would be very hurtful towards me. I dont think that you do but seeing as how you said "...zipping around in fancy new wheels..." i just feel that maybe there may be a bit of resentment in that towards me.

Call me crazy and bitch slap me silly if im wrong. Ill be sorry. Infact reading the post im about to post now i just might feel bad. Hope you dont take it the wrong way.

Re: Your little rant

[nfotxn.livejournal.com]

*bitch slap* No, I'm talking about losers in brand new Preludes who have time to be zipping around the city every clear evening. both you and I know how hard you work your ass off for what you have.

[standardtom.livejournal.com]

I'm far from alarmed at your divulging personal details. That's what journals are for, and I wish I were better at it myself. I'm working on it, but I always have this deep-seated fear that everyone else will think I'm weak/lame/moronic if I mention that things are less than ducky. At least you can talk about yourself, which is, I think, a big key to working it all out.