Decompression

[nfotxn]

Gee whiz Jiminy Cricket I've been one flaked out negative nelly for the past little while. I've put some crazy kinda pressure on myself to perform lately to be honest. It's been kinda paralysing me and leading my mind into some very negative and downright offensive sort of egocentric thinking. When I can't perform up to my own expectations I tend to just seize up and take out my frustrations in a variety of unhealthy ways.

Ranting about politics on Livejournal all the time? Not particularly healthy. Spending 3hrs preparing ad-mat for a mix I want to share on Livejournal? Not the best use of time. Although "Jazzpunk" (the sequel to "Electrogays") is pretty much done.

Also the social atmosphere at home is a bit tenser than usual (money, time, health yada yada etc.) so being a product of my environment I sort of take on this stress as well.

I guess I'm at the point in this cycle of things where I realize my stress and re-evaluate how I'm doing things. My lifestyle expectations for instance are a tad exaggerated. Most of my friends are professional mid-20's and up. This makes doing the things they can afford to do a bit of a stretch for somebody younger such as myself. Being economically cut out of a social circle is a bit of a bummer. And also a fact of life. Expecting myself to be able to jetset around to various major cities to party is just not going to be a possibility for the time being. And there's no reason to get upset about that or anything else. Because there is so much more I could be doing for myself in the meantime. Yeah I'm talking about Chicago but also other stuff like how well I do in school, how much I practice viola/bass/mixing and how many great parties I can get to. My expectations are tuned just way too high and it's only bringing me down. That is totally nutszilla.

I just need to relax, smell some roses and allow myself to accure some low-interest rate happiness. Culminating the realizations of late: 1) I want to strip down my self-errected barriers and be loved. Like really loved for really and 2) I want to take it easy, fall into something casual and nature while still inching towards my (megalomanical) long-term goals.

Comments

[iahklu.livejournal.com]

you should come to SF!

it's a great place to reinvent yourself, pursue long-held dreams, and fall into all kinds of casual things...

[nfotxn.livejournal.com]

Yes! I could come and live in Ms. Madrigal's house, have my first heterosexual experience and fall in love with a two-timing business tycoon!

Oh my heart is all a'flutter with possibilities now.

[sinnabor.livejournal.com]

And then you could get a shitty service job that would just barely allow you to pay the rent. You'd slave away for a decade, then discover yourself in your 30's with nothing to show for it, and all the creativity burned out of your soul.

But you'd get to have a lot of sex. It'd be great. And the record shops are nice.

Oh, I suppose it's not that bad. But danlmarmot used to say that nobody moves to SF to do... they move there to be. Probably similar to NYC, but more gay.

one of us! one of us!

[ranger1.livejournal.com]

..and become a clone!

[ranger1.livejournal.com]

Given that you are a brilliant guy in a tough situation, and you seem to enjoy challenging yourself, what you're saying here makes a lot of sense.

You're still the bee's knees as far as I'm concerned.

[xkot.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I forget how young you are until I come across a post where you mention it. You're far more mature than most guys your age (and a lot of the ones that are my age) so I always assume you have more life experiences at your dispoal. This time in your life is a critical nexus to the future and I am certain that you'll make the right choices to ensure your happiness in the future. You're a smart guy.

[backrubbear.livejournal.com]

You're far more mature than most guys your age

Ditto. Occasionally you'll say or recount something that reminds me of how young you are, but you'll grow out of some of that silliness.

In the meanwhile, here's to not being the cynic of the week. Leave that us older folk

[backrubbear.livejournal.com]

This makes doing the things they can afford to do a bit of a stretch for somebody younger such as myself

This was probably one of the suckiest bits of college. The crowd I hung around included a bunch of post-college folk and trying to keep up with them just with a weekly gathering at the bar with a very moderate bill each of those weeks was my first introduction to too much debt (still reasonably small) and the feeling that I really shouldn't try to keep up.

Thankfully I was able to socialize with them in other circumstances too; in some cases that required me to suggest the venue rather than let them do it.

I just need to relax, smell some roses and allow myself to accure some low-interest rate happiness.

That's good advice even if you can afford to do all sorts of fancy stuff. My favorite weekend these days is just a low key day of doing some stuff around the house with Chris, having a leisurely dinner and maybe doing videos or games. Even better is some low-grade slacking with a good book, but I haven't been able to indulge in that for a while.

I'm reminded that we need to get you your stuff back from the Tiki party. :-)