Regular Catharsis

[nfotxn]

I would say I have less regrets than I have had in the past. Often when I'm blessed with a compliment it is along the lines of my supposed maturity. That I don't act or even look my age. But really I've come to recognize lately that attitude of maturity that I try very consciously to exude is more so an over compensation. You see I figure when I was around 16-19 years old I was one messed up puppy. Skipping classes, stealing my parents money and living in a delusion that in the future I would obviously become a dot-com millionaire. I eventually dropped out of school and lived in delusion for a while longer. It is absolutely incredible what capacity for denial the human mind has. I thought I was hot shit not a loser burning up his credibility with friends and family.

From the ages of 19-21 I did some hard living. On and off anti-depressants in therapy. Chronically unemployed and depressed that is where I lived some of the darkest hours I ever hope to see with such consistency. I realize now it was all the result of a process. That fundamentally I am not a maligned person and when I mess up my very constitution has powerful ways of protesting. Discovering an instrinsic good in myself and the people around me is the closest I've ever come to faith in my life. From the lowest emotional depths you discover the very concept of the ethereal. The contrast and light in life.

It's hard to explain. You had to have been there. I will probably always be there.

Luckily my gays were one of the best things to happen to me. You guys know who you are. I guess this is where I thank good friends for being there and expecting me to live up to their expectations. Your support and mentorship has been nothing short of loving. To find that amongst friends is incredible.

Now at 22 I finally feel like I'm where I should be. I'm ready to own my life and I have faith in the future. Regrets aside.

Comments

[fredneckteddy.livejournal.com]

WOW.....all this and still only 22. I definitely commend you on your hard life lessons learned. Makes you more of an asset to someone that a hindrance. You are special and important. Totally appealing ;)

Carol Ann

[perkk.livejournal.com]

I learned to seek the goodness in others from my father. It's a gift I treasure. I'm glad you've "come to the light"...

[jawnbc]

you're way ahead of me: I didn't crash and burn until 26, with the concomitant phoenician thing-a-ma-bob a year later. So fear not, fret not, and tarry forth.

Oh and get the fookin' education. Grade 12 ain't worth shit. Suspend logic and value from getting a bachelor's degree: it's oriented toward colouring inside the lines. Not finding new colours or drawing new lines.

[nfotxn.livejournal.com]

"Suspend logic and value from getting a bachelor's degree: it's oriented toward colouring inside the lines. Not finding new colours or drawing new lines."

This sounds like really good advice. I thought about what you'd said several times this weekend whilst contemplating my future.

Thanks :)

[jawnbc]

Wow, kewl! Thank you!

[beg1n.livejournal.com]

I realize now it was all the result of a process.

to be able to reflect upon only a few years ago is quite amazing...something most do only 15-20 years down the road.

[mathan.livejournal.com]

*GRIN* It definitely is a process and it's a great thing you've come to the realizations that you have because many people never get there.

[shawnsyms.livejournal.com]

I think you do act your age. And I think it's a good thing.
xo

[sassy-fae.livejournal.com]

Well dude, you're awesome. I think you act your age, with a little extra wisdom or sensitivity thrown in here and there. You went through the hard stuff earlier than a lot of people. I went blissfully along until 22-23 before I hit that kind of roadblock. You're just ahead of the game is all! Good luck with today.

[bleedsdaylight.livejournal.com]

Hmmm, I feel a group hug coming on!

Great reflection, though, dude, and one that totally resonates for me. I hit my "dark night of the soul" in my late 20s and it lasted for a few years, but I am certainly feeling healthier now than i have ever been... well, maybe not physically, but hell, having a clear head is better than anything else I've known.

thanks for a good post.

[nfotxn.livejournal.com]

Hey thanks for the feedback. I really appreciate people contemplating what I have to write an awful lot. Even though presently I have nothing useful to add myself. doh!

[bunnycoco.livejournal.com]

Hopefully you'll never really "be there," but always developing and learning--that's a good place to be.

[nfotxn.livejournal.com]

Oh yes, you're very right. I really meant to say that I will always be in that self-reflexive place of development and learning.

YOU WERE THERE

[darkphuque.livejournal.com]

You will never forget the darkness, and that's a good thing... because you can't appreciate the "light" without having known the "dark".

Many of us have walked through our own personal "darkness" and sometimes get a taste of what it "was" like to be there...don't fret when this happens because its just a reminder of the progress you have made in life.

When I read your journal and the responses that you get, I can see you are a man truly loved!

[funkymonkey70.livejournal.com]

havea notha tiki drink cutie.......

[backrubbear.livejournal.com]

I'll echo others in saying you definitely "act your age". You've managed to beat some of the darkness and stupidity that others never purge from their lives very early on. And, in many many ways, you're a hell of a lot more mature than I was until even 28.