Pitter Patter Tender Heart

[nfotxn]

Lately I've felt a bit crazy. There's so much going on that I don't have much time to reflect. This is how fall usually is really, and I suppose I'm glad to be caught up in the madness. There are a few things that are bugging me though.

I am kind of a high maintenance friend sometimes and am feeling really out of touch with people. I know I am caught up in my own thing as much as they are. Similarly some local non-blogging friends I think I may need to stop hanging around for a while. Sometimes you just move apart from people, even ones you've known a long time. What was bugging me was that I couldn't figure out if I was trying to be loyal or co-dependent. All I know is that I was not sharing in the things they enjoy and similarly they aren't much interested in me. C'est la vie, non?

I'm trying to be a nicer person on my blog. I have a severe geek streak and sometimes go off on people or subjects like captain of the debate team. Sometimes it's aggressive and hurtful. I don't want to be that guy. I am not that guy, although sometimes he pops up. I know why this is too, growing up as a kid debate was just the way we functioned. Not everybody takes kindly to it, so I'd best keep it to myself and appropriate times.

There are still a lot of regrets I feel. I'm definitely a bit depressed these days for stupid reasons. I'm actually making a lot of personal progress. If I don't die of stunted perfectionism first.

Comments

[shawnsyms.livejournal.com]

I wouldn't stop debating things if I were you.

I think debate is how all we learn from each other. It can just be a question of tone in some instances. Sometimes people do more than just argue; through their choice of words they appear to express derision toward, and suggest that they're superior to, those they disagree with. And that's admittedly something that can be tempting for any of us to want to do sometimes.

[nfotxn.livejournal.com]

I will probably continue to debate. It's just I've caught myself doing it at really inappropriate times! I'm trying to think more of the context that others see rather than my own.

I definitely express the derision and superiority pretty often. It's not that I think I'm particularly superior. Not at all, as anyone who knows me understands I'm humble to a fault in real life application. However I get passionate about what I think sometimes. Very passionate.

[aairplane.livejournal.com]

i totally relate to the following issues....

-feeling crazy
-being high maintenance
-trying to be nice
-geek streak
-regrets
-depressed for stupid reasons
-personal progress

[faghatesgods.livejournal.com]

This is your blog. Isn;t this the exact place where you should rant and scream and be high maintenance and hurtful so you don;t do it in real life?

Anyone who reads blogs should understand that and not take what you write here as personal slant or overall truth. What is here is just momentary flashes that when added up over time, give you an glimpse of the average truth of you which is both something to reminisce about later and also something to provide insight on your progress as a person.

God I sound like several miles of bad fucking 12 step programs. I have to go to Central Park now and throw rocks at Christians.

[thafuzz.livejournal.com]

God wouldn't have created captains for debate teams if the world didn't need 'em.

[umkinda.livejournal.com]

Maybe you should enjoy drifting and feeling the breeze... and just see where that takes you. See a direction before you paddle that way.

[nfotxn.livejournal.com]

Breezes are good. It's October now, lots of cool breezes to drift upon.

[bigredlug.livejournal.com]

You are very articulate and bang-on when you post. You've never been anything but nice to me, but then that could be because you pity my lugness or you don't want Jon coming after you. :)

[nfotxn.livejournal.com]

Yeah, Jon would kick my ass. I mean if I ever managed to piss him off. Angry Jon is like the incredible hulk. Never seen him much but I know he's a pretty angry dude. I'd seriously have to pee and shit in his corn flakes to get a rise out of him though.

[bigredlug.livejournal.com]

lol - I've been the sounding board a few times when he's had a bad day at work, and so I've seen the after-math, but he's the sweetest, most lovable guy in the world with me. I hope I never give him cause to get angry at me - and I agree - I don't see him getting angry with you either. Hugs!